Amends

im starting over yes again.
im hoping to make amends with a lot of people here soon.
i have an event planned and i hope that when word finally gets out about it that all invited will accept.
it should be a good time. new and old friends. groups mixing. im excited.
anyway im off to study because i cant sleep.
ttyl hearts

Suicide

i wonder if people ever notice the signs of a suicide?
the warning signs i mean.
they're usually there.
but even more than that i wonder if people can actually stop someone from committing suicide.
i mean someone who has been contemplating it for a while and has made up their mind.
if someone is truly determined to end their own life can you help them, stop them, change their mind, make them see they mean something to you? can you truly help people or do they just make their own decisions anyway?
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew that i could help someone.
but i dont think you can help someone who doesnt want to be helped.
im not contemplating suicide so dont freak on me.
im just wondering.
and im wondering because of a book i just read.
their are two main characters.
the guy who is listening to the tapes the last words of a girl he liked who committed suicide
and the girl who committed suicide.
throughout the book the reader gains perspective.
what rumors, and actions really do to people.
why reputation matters so much.
because if one guy hadnt ruined her, hadnt accused her of being a slut or told lies about her then all the events that followed over the course of 3 years may not have happened and the girl may no have committed suicide. and it wasnt because she wasnt strong or because she was weak it was because of the circumstances surrounding her. i dont know.
i believe everyone should read the book: thirteen reasons why.
and not just because it was one of the best books i have ever read but because it makes you think. i experienced the whole spectrum of emotions; anger, happiness, laughter, but above all sadness and tears.
i wanted to help her, i wanted the people mentioned to help her, but at the same time experiencing what she experienced and analyzing what she went through i couldnt help but think that there was no other way. i felt completely helpless and defeated.
i cant even really describe it well. i mean just writing about it is making me cry.
how do you help someone who doesnt want to be helped?
how do you fix a problem you cant identify.
the world is an awful place and for the most part its a struggle to get through a day. things happen and over time they build, and you need to end it some how. people deal with that differently. in my case im getting far away from this town. others choose a more permanent solution, suicide. and honestly yes its their action but at the same time did anyone try to help them? did they have anyone to turn to? what did their circumstances merit?
can you blame someone who was helpless, in desperate need of a hero, someone to rescue them?
if your best friend committed suicide, and you didnt know why, but you knew that no one could help them would you be angry at them? would you write them off? would you wonder why? would you care at all? or would you be so caught up in your own grief that you didnt really care why? how does anyone handle that? i thought that it was easy, that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem but after this book, i know that some problems aren't temporary, that one event, one rumor, one action can ruin a persons hope, and desire to live.
everyone should read it.
everyone should reexamine their own lives and how they treat others.
everyone should try.
try to help
try to reach out
try to talk
just try.
i dont know what else to say . . .

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

College Applications are the bane of my existence!
its not the application part thats just mindless answer after answer...
its the essay part.

my latest undertaking is:
Sarah Lawrence. they want an analytical essay analyzing a piece of art or literature.
my topic assignment given to me by Mrs. Thompson (best teacher ever) is based on my AP Art History class and is as follows:

Trace the changes in Greek art from the Archaic period through the Hellenistic period, and relate them to the changes in social conditions and political standing.

good fun right?!?

yeah . . . so im going to get started i guess.

Hmmm Art History

so im applying to an internship at the Smithsonian! it should be pretty sweet and if i get it ill be almost guaranteed a place at Sarah Lawrence, just like if i was to get People to People Student Ambassador of the Year! i cant wait in less than a year i will be off at college hopefully at Sarah Lawrence, probably at Denver!
i am more sure everyday that i study art history that it is what i want to do. and i will go through my dissertation, 10 years of school and whatever else i have to do in order to end up either traveling for my specialty in architecture or as the curator of a museum like the Uffizi Gallery in Florence, Italy!
anyway im going to go read my text book!

Just Dont

im tired of being excluded.
tired of feeling left behind.
i wish that i had my best friend back.
and a group that i fit into.
tired of fighting people.
and really just frustrated that no matter what i do i cant seem to get it right.
honestly i wish i was out of this town.
i wish i was moving on.
i wish that people cared
and realized that of all the times to abandon me now this week is the worst.

PTPI

so my People to People application/essay has been sent off! cross your fingers!
/me crosses fingers and squeezes eyes shut making wish!
yeah i really hope i get it. its kind of the key to my entire future!
anyway im going to do some homework.
hit me up laterz

The Fifth of November . . .

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!


in my life news:
im dating Brandon officially. and we are perfect really. we are getting along and just genuinely enjoying eachothers company. its all good.
castro is home from the hospital and doing well. - YAY! =D
im trying to figure out what to do with Zach but if you dont know about that just ask.
other than that my life is falling back into place.
next week ill be staying with my mom, not a good time to be around my dad and all seeing as how well yeah.
anyway im better and just working on college applications and People to People stuff.
for the most part everything is great.

=D