1T'S S4TURD4Y!

just all of us at NAPA after Skyler's radiator hose broke. we decided that it was going to be our band album cover. since it kinda looks like one! YAY! oh and the band name is
1T'S S4TURD4Y!
in 1337 and everything cuz we're awesomez like that! hehehehehe
anywho......we had good fun if you want the total low down read brians blog he has it all posted.....hes very excited so comment please.......jk jk
<3 to all!

Pwnage!

okay if you have read Rabbits blog then you know we have been at a LAN playing Mario Party and what not.....
what you dont know is that I OWNED EVERYONE!!!!!!
everyone.....
i have never ever played mario party before.....
but i was the first to get a star,
i got two bonus stars,
i ended up with 5 stars in the end,
and nothing bad happened to me at all......
i pwn everyone!

yay.....

Fun And FUN

So a lot has happened.
i have been chillin with robert a lot more
and along with him comes Brian, Sean, and Levi
its been great fun and what not.......
lets see yesterday i went to JUCO,
sushi with Nic (my cousin),
and hung out with Cameron (drummer from Black Wensday)
this morning was the BEST part however
(she says sarcastically)
Brad called me.
already sounds like good fun right
anyway he called me a bitch, and other names
(recently in his blog he referred to me as ass-candy)
he then proceeded to tell me what a terrible person i am
and how i destroyed our memories.
i agreed with everything he said because yeah i deserve to be hated for what i did to him.
my problem is that he is harassing me.
calling me, texting me even when he told me
"to get the FUCK out of his life" i complied with that wish.
I left him alone.
anyway he says he wont do that anymore so eh whatever fuck it im done trying
now im at a LAN at Seans house and i plan to have a great time.
anyway yeah
talk to you laterz i think
LAurEn

I Hope This Is Right . . .

I Have Always Loved You.
And Now,
Its Just Been Building Up So Much
And I Just Feel It.
I Know It.
Its Undescribable.
The Love I Have For You.
Its Beyond Any Other.
And It's True Love.
Not The Image Of Love I've Had Before.
I Can See Clearly.
You Are Love's Definition.

The Last Few Days With Rabbit!

so......i haven't really posted in a while......
so heres the last few days in a nut shell......
me and robert have been spending tons of time together!
its been pretty awesome we can just chill and not have to really do much of anything.
we have spent countless hours at GameStop just hanging out with all the peoples there.
we went to Best Buy and just talked to this kid Devon for like 2 hours
we have gone to his house and just sat on seperate computers chatting on LPU
we have played Wii at my house with 4 guys both of us barely know
we went to an EMO concert and chilled (we both actually really like Smile From the Trenches)
we have gone to VI three nights in a row
we can go to GJ Scores and just sit around or play pool
we just walk around the mall for a while
and we never run out of things to talk about ever!
its been a pretty amazing week minus the terrible baby-sitting and the kid who punched and shattered a window (Lane)
oh we saw Pirates of the Carribean 3 - frickin awesome movie!
anyway yeah Rob and I are having good fun and I hope it stays that way.
Now I am going to bed I have JUCO in the morning and I dont want to be too incredibly tired!
Hearts to All
ps for the record robert hasnt forgiven me nor does he trust me. but we can still talk and hang and be friends without that for the moment......
we have 3 concerts to look forward to and i dont intend on screwing that up!
so night all
sleep well!

I'm Here.

All People Change.
They grow.
They fall.
They pull away.
They push.
But no matter how we change.
No matter how tall we grow.
No matter how far we fall.
I'm here.
I'm here no matter what.
You can push and pull.
And i will still be here.
This I promise.
This I swear.

Sorry

My last two posts have been huge.
In fact they were the most honest things i have posted so far.
But this one is the biggest, most honest one i can post.
There was absolutely NO excuse for what i did.
I lied and it was wrong.
I dont deserve to be forgiven.
I don't deserve any of the friends that have forgiven me.
I am truly honestly one hundred percent sorry for everything I have done.
But i dont even deserve to be sorry
It was the worst thing in the world for me to do.
I am sorry.
I regret hurting anyone I hurt.
But i don't even deserve to regret
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I AM SO SORRY!
But i don't even deserve to be sorry

Friends, Fun and Forgiveness... Kind of

Since my last post a lot has happened. I talked to Robert and Rhino and Krista, all of whom I thought would hate me forever. It turns out however, that the fact that I came clean and told the truth, all of the truth, was a "respectful" thing to do. Rhino says that I was stupid, but that the mistake I made is forgivable, and that since I told the truth, without excuses, that I apologized, and am respecting the fact that Brad doesn't want me in his life anymore, that everything will turn out okay in the long run as long as i learn from this. Which is my plan.
Yes Robert and I have been hanging out. He read my blog and I apologized and he says that he thinks that yes i was stupid but again that the blog got me some respect points. He has been a really great friend and i feel a lot better now that I know he doesn't hate me. Robert was supposed to be camping but he had to close twice this weekened. Friday Night and Last Night, he was working till 9:30.

Last night was tons of fun. Brittany and I hung out at GameStop with Rabbit (aka Robert) Gabe and Joe (he hangs out there a lot.) We just stood around a talked for a while, and then we started passing notes.....(yes like we were in like 4th Grade) it was fun.......Robert stole my drawing pen. i said this and Joe asked if i drew. Of course i said yes because why would i have a drawing pen if i didn't (Duh). anyway he offered me a job! He and his friend are apparently starting an MMO and need concept artists. so I have a demo to do in the next few weeks! Im totally excited! After all this excitement we went to Chili's and ate then to eat Shrek the Third. It was freaking Hilarious! there were so many inuendos that it should have been rated R. Anyway it was a great night. I am really really glad that Robert and I are still friends. I hope things stay this way I don't need them to change. I don't need a boyfriend or a guy to make out with I have some of the greatest friends in the world and thats all I need. Robert and I wont be more than friends.

I know that Brad isn't going to like this and I know that he will be angry with me as well as Robert. and that is something i dont want. I dont want to come between the two of them. they have been friends forever. Robert said that he forgave me and that he wanted to salvage the friendship we have and thats all i want. Rabbit and I can be friends and they can be friends as well. We don't all have to hang out together but we can hang seperatelly. and What about Rhino he is my friend too. I said that I wouldn't talk to Robert unless he decided to talk to me. I left the lines of communications open for any of them to talk to me. Brad, Robert, Jeremy, Krista, Whitney, Rhino all are welcome to contact me. and some of them have contacted me and some have chosen to be my friend. that is their choice and i appreciate that. I love all of them and I am truly grateful that some have forgiven my mistake.
And again I apologize for my mistake it wan't okay, it wasn't acceptible, but i am sorry.
I hope that everyone and everything will work out. Right now however, I am going to concentrate on me, my friends and this summer!

Have a Fantasmic Day All!
hearts
Lauren!

Lies and Apologies

first Brad: i know you will hate me forever and all that......
but i thought i should tell you the truth. these are all lies i told lies i wish i could take back. i am sorry for hurting you.
here are the lies i told you over the course of the last year:

Vampire
- although the cult part doesn't exist, the taking of blood does. Greg Tracy Josh and I all took from each other and gave to each other. we were all tested prier of course.

Grandparents
- my grandparents do have wealth just not as much as i let on. your not the only one to hear this lie there have been several others in fact.
- boarding school was never going to happen i just wanted you to miss me.....
- Logan is a person I know. He is the drummer from a local band, he has a girlfriend and her name is Abby. they are incredibly nice people. I'm sorry i brought them into this.
- we are not members of a country club although i have asked to be. my grandparents are actually really really nice people although close minded and pushy.

Dad
- my father has beat me before. Not recently of course but he has hurt me. Not as often as i said but again it has happened.

Pregnancy
- i wasn't pregnant as we all know. i wanted you to feel sorry for me and be there for me. i wanted you to want me again. this was the wrong way to do that but the thought made me happy. I am truly honest to god sorry for this whole thing.

Me
- i hurt people. not intentionally. but by manipulating them and lying to get what i want hurts them. I did it to you to make us closer. i wanted you to love me and I figured if i wasn't some glamorous, rich, fucked up damsel you wouldn't. i didn't give you the credit you deserved and in return you proved to be a much better, much more amazing person than i ever thought possible. i love you and i always have. regardless of what i have lied about that is the truth. i am sorry for the pain i have caused you and i honestly don't blame you for hating me, its deserved. I want you to be happy and i have absolutely no intentions of ever contacting you again. You are an amazing person and i didn't deserve anything we had.
not everything was a lie please remember that all those memories we talked about the other day were true and happened and i wouldn't trade them for anything. thank you for the last year, it was incredible. and again I am sorry.

now Robert. you have been an amazing friend to me. these last few weeks have been great and i am sorry for manipulating you the way i did. I shouldn't have told you that lie but again i wanted you to feel sorry for me. thank you for everything.
as far as Projekt Revolution is concerned the ticket is still yours. if you don't want it i understand and i wont do anything with it or make any decisions until you know what you want. you can not go or we can go together either way is fine with me. but under the circumstances i am assuming you don't want anything to do with me. just let me know okay?

I am sorry for the way i handled things. i made a mistake and if i could i would take it back. however since i can't turn back time i can only apologize for the things i have done. i will not contact any of you but you are more than welcome to contact me(my phone number has changed it is 985-5028 this is the way to reach me). i would still love to be your friends, but that is not my choice to make. you have all been great to me over the last year and i truly regret what i have done to all of you. i will have to live with this forever.
and since this mistake has caused a lot of hurt i plan to learn from it. i plan to grow and someday i hope i will be worthy of the friendships we have had.

thats all i have to say. feel free to leave comments and tell me what scum i am. i expect it. thank you all for everything and have fantastic lives.
love always
LAurEn DiAne

Friends? Yeah Right . . .

Ever feel like your on the outside looking in?

Its My Body, Right?

so i . . .
I'm having some issues.
I'm supposed to do something this weekend that i really don't want to.
I know it's in my best interest
but its my body
and I'm not ready to just tear a part of me away
Brad thinks I should
My mom is forcing me to so we all know how she feels
but i don't think I'm ready for this huge step
i feel so confused and lost and i can't talk to anyone about it
i just wish i knew what to do . . .

Nothing

Nothing Happened.
we both agreed.
Thats what i wanted
i wanted to help him and make him feel better
and i must admit that it felt great
it wasn't anything
and it meant nothing
so why do i wish it had?

Horoscope = Im Back!

That good, brainy energy you are so well known for is back in full force, and you should whip through quizzes and homework like a sponge wiping a wet counter. You'll amaze the right person.

that ^ is a horoscope! and im very excited
its true i feel like everything is back to normal
all my friends everything just feels right
i have you to thank for that Bradley
so thank you
hearts!

War Blows

My brother, TJ, just wrote me . . .
hes in Iraq
he is a Marine
he has a wife and a son
he wont be home till Christmas
i really really miss him!
anyway the fact that he wrote me is fabulous
they always say "no news is good news"
but i worry . . .
A LOT!
he's okay though
called me a punk ass and everything! : )
im glad hes okay . . . hes been gone a long time
i love you TJ!
and everyone else of course

Just Something I Wrote

He led her here
Through the shards of black
To a place where despair and longing join
And in the darkness of a shallow grave
He left her forever lifeless
And although he essences had been erased
And the cruelest of tricks had ensued
The faintest of illuminations would rise
Through a veil of death and sorrow

That Boy Is FINE!

so tonight i was hangin out with Brice, Brittany, Chelsea, Dusty and Garret.

for a while garret wasn't there though he was at work so I was the 5th wheel
chelsea was all over dusty and brittany and brice were kind of snuggling
i was on the floor by myself
then Garret showed.......
he sat next to me and we made random comments about the movie and poked each other for a while. the the two of us sat in the hot tub together.
the boy is built, and tone and just wow
and his hair he has this amazing blonde fro thats totally out of this world.
anyway when bee and i were getting ready to come home he asked if i really wanted to get my shoes dirty and of course i said no so he picked me up and carried me to the car! how cute is that.
he hurt himself attempting this too (his shoulder hit the edge of the car) so i kissed it for him. to make it feel better. man does he have soft skin......
anyway yeah thats how i spent my night.
with a gorgeous guy and my friends watching movies......
good times good times.

Plan

i have a plan
keep busy
don't think about brad
hang out with brad
be friends with brad
hang out with friends
go to concerts
find a rebound guy
fall in love with a vampire (he he he)
go to Project Revolution
go to Family Values
go to Oz Fest - if tickets can be found
finish school
go to college
stay away from my vices

How Not To Live Your Life

I am truly frustrated with my self....
i dont want to be a bother in his life
i want to respect his decision to not be with me
i want to be his friend but not one of the guys
i want to call him and hang with him but not seem desperate
i want to love him but at the same time i hate him
i want to kiss him and hold him but i want to slap him
most of all right now i miss him but i really dont want to.

any suggestions?

ALWAYS

Have a Great Life Bradley.
I will be here if you ever need me but I am truly removing myself from this picture.
I'm sorry.

Remember I will Always, no matter what, I will always love you with all of my heart and soul.
You are still my one and only.

If you need me give me a call or write me ill be here, waiting.

Always Yours,
Lauren

STOP!

okay so for who ever is apparently informing my sister and my mother about my blog and whatever it says:
STOP IT!!!!!!!

if i wanted them to know what i was thinking or what was going on with me i would tell them.

much appreciated thanks

Boarding School

so my grandmother has offered to send me to boarding school
i convinced her that i didn't want to go to Switzerland although it would be pretty cool.
im looking at several in NY. especially since that is the major art scene and i want to be a museum curator and major in Art History.

here's one im looking at
http://www.emmawillard.org/

check it out let me know what you think!

Closure?

Do you ever just get the urge to kiss someone?
i mean really kiss them?
i had that urge this morning and i really wish i had acted on it.
not that it would have changed anything but
i realized today that Bradley and i never had like
a final kiss
or breakup sex
or anything of that nature
i kind of wish we had so that i could have something totally
final and
romantic and
perfect
to look back on and remember.
i guess that wont happen though...

It Hurts But....

i dont know what to think
i cant no i wont do this to myself anymore
if he changes his mind fine but im not going to try and convince him that i love him and that he does love me. I have to move on.

why is trying to help so bad?

so bradley breaks up with me and we are going to be friends.
i can feel that something is wrong with him he isn't feeling just right or maybe something happened and it caused him either A: pain or B: anger or C: frustration or D: all of the above and all of these are probably my fault they usually are. i want him to be happy, to know that he made the right decision and i WANT him to know that no matter what has happened between us the break ups the fights everything that i will always love him and that even though i said this was the last time its really not. i would like to think that i can say no that he has hurt me too many times for me to trust him or be with him ever again, but i cant because i would be lying to myself and him.
i want him to want me and i want him to love me and i want him to love me but i TRULY DEEPLY want him to be nothing more than HAPPY. whether thats with me or some other girl i just i want him to be happy, and if hes not then i feel like i have to find a way to fix that and make him happy, however i think im only making things worse so im going to try and remove myself from the equation. im going to concentrate on school and friends and trying to be happy but im not going to meddle any more.
i dont know that we can be friends and still be happy.

PG, Vomit, and HOME!

Being Sick SUCKS!

i have been feeling really nauseous for the last few days and this morning i couldnt even make it through first hour.

i dont know why i feel sick or why i vomited but hey whatever! maybe im having morning sickness! Everyone knows that that is such fun!

im staying home!

anyway
hope everyone else is feeling great!

Guacamole Hands

so bradley and i broke up again!

but its cool we're going to be friends. it is actually working out really well. like today we hung out for like 2 hours at the mall.
first in the "hidden mural"... i call it the "dark hallway" but brad insists that "hidden mural" is better. whatever! anyway we just talked about all kinds of random things and it wasn't awkward at all it was actually kind of nice.
maybe you made the right decision this time bradley!

anyway after that i met up with my mom and we went to Chili's for dinner. i ordered the Chicken Club Tacos....they are freakin awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
however when the girl brought me my foodz the guacamole flew off of the plate and i reacted just in time to catch it! it was sweet i was like spiderman only without the webbing! i caught something in mid air! it rocked.....
hence guacamole hands.

any so now my zen isn't working again but eh i think i remember how to fix it.

so how are all of you doing?

...
adioso!
hearts hugs and kisses too!
lauren