I Cant Decide, I Love You.

A future of hope

begins to diminish.
three small words severe
my sight of the finish.

how quickly things change
when it only takes
three small words to see
all of our mistakes.

The future is not
secure if or when
three small words can crush
the hopes of children.

how ironic too;
that it was another
three small words that brought
us two together.

Bringing along a
future that holds those
three small words too high
and far too close.

I Dont Know What To Say...

[23:54] tj: i talked to sgt grahm today, he decides where you go, if you reinlist and such. ive been having alot of thoughts that i havnt had since middle school lately, and i am torn between two options. option one, i get out, do not act on my thoughts and impulses, and go to school, live happily ever after. option two, i go to the 03XX field. become a grunt. train for a year, join a sniper platoon, if i live after the next three to four years, ill be picked up by the cia or (preferably) some black opps organization. either play the "daddys going to work now kids, love you hunny" (daddy kills people secretly for a job) or dissapear completely. i havnt chosen yet, but i know the three people i need to talk to to get that far.
[23:54] tj: i still have 4 months to decide before the recon indoc training course picks up again
[23:55] mercury434: ...
[23:56] tj: i told you, and i warned you, you know who i am, physically. im not right, and im not who i want to be.
[23:56] tj: i still love you, thats the only thing straying my hand from the paperwork
[23:56] tj: if i know that youre happy, that decides who i become
[23:57] mercury434: ...
[23:57] mercury434: what do you want to do?
[23:57] tj: what do i want to do? good question. i want to be happy, but i want you to be happy. two different possible outcomes
[23:57] mercury434: dont worry about me
[23:58] mercury434: what do YOU want?
[23:58] tj: i dont know yet. and its not my choice to decide, not entirely. i would love either future. equally. id get the same enjoyment from both. my only decision, is you
[23:59] mercury434: whether or not we are going to have what we have been talking about for the last 8 months....
[00:00] mercury434: whether or not jayden will exist. whether or not im enough
[00:01] tj: weather or not i will make you happy and be the man you expect me to be
[00:02] mercury434: i dont expect you to be anyone. i dont expect anything from you. i dont require you to be someone you arent or do something you dont want to.
[00:02] mercury434: i want you to do what you want to do
[00:03] mercury434: i want you to pick whats most important to you
[00:03] tj: i want to do what i want to do, but i dont at the same time. if i do, it means two things, a future without you, or with you in the dark, and certain death.
[00:09] mercury434: ...
[00:09] mercury434: what are you going to do?
[00:10] tj: i dont know yet. i have a few weeks to think. im going to take this weekend and go on a hike to the top of the mountain and think. i should only be a few days, if i leave fri afternoon.
[00:10] mercury434: ...alrighrt
[00:10] mercury434: *alright
[00:11] tj: i cant say what i want to do, but i will say that you are my deciding factor. i know this is alot for you, and im sory, but like i said, this effects you the most. really, it only effects you, and the possibility of jayden
[00:14] tj: i guess what im trying to tell you after all this, is that even tho i cant show you or tell you enough, you will never truely understand how much you mean in my life, for my life. you could never speak to me again, or never stop speaking, and i would feel indifferent, as long as i knew that you were where you wanted to truely be and with whom you needed to be with
[00:15] mercury434: i dont know what to say...
[00:15] tj: you dont need to say anything
[00:16] mercury434: you'll let me know when you make a decision?
[00:16] tj: youll be the first
[00:16] mercury434: okay
[00:17] mercury434: this changes a lot. you know that
[00:18] tj: for what?
[00:18] mercury434: for how i think about things. how i look at my future. how i look at our future
[00:19] tj: i c
[00:20] mercury434: see for me it was set. we were set. that part of my future was secure.
[00:20] mercury434: i was going to be with you
[00:20] mercury434: i was going to marry you
[00:20] mercury434: i was going to have a child with you
[00:21] mercury434: this changes that. because if youre not sure i cant be either
[00:22] mercury434: does that make sense
[00:22] mercury434: ?
[00:22] tj: yes. it does. im sorry
[00:22] mercury434: dont apologize please
[00:22] mercury434: if this is what you want then this is something you should do
[00:22] tj: why not, i threw a wrentch in your axle
[00:23] mercury434: everything changes
[00:23] mercury434: nothing and noone is an exception
[00:23] mercury434: including us
[00:23] tj: see thats just it, its not just my shit that changes, its yours too
[00:24] mercury434: i know
[00:24] mercury434: and you should take that into consideration
[00:24] mercury434: dont waste an opportunity simply because we might be
[00:25] tj: both are opportunities, i just dont know what one to choose
[00:25] mercury434: i cant help you with that
[00:25] tj: i know.
[00:26] mercury434: i guess just remember i love you....
[00:27] tj: i do, and i love you. you dont have to remember that, i hope your heart will know that and you wont have to remember it

Creating Illusions

You have been tricked
its true; but now
its you that is
lying to those
that surround
the altered
version of your
former person.
you have become
those you hated;
destroying. the
truth now jaded
you changed all
of who you are.
though i gave you
your first real scar,
the truth was yours
to display. the
truth of your worlds
reality
led to decay
of your honest
self. creating
a mask that will
constrict your being,
your inner core.
now who you could
be, drowns in the
illusion you
make people see.

Hmmmm Fabulous

my life consists of

waiting for my acceptance to DU
Concerts
Spending tons of time with Rachelle, Sean and Skyler.
School
and my amazing internship at the Art Center!

i love my life!

Lighting Blindness

There is something
Within me, it
Grows and darkens.
The fire not lit;

Shadows consume
All that remains.
The blackness of
My lifes disdain.

Envelpoing
My thoughts, my
Being, pushing
Until I sigh.

I can not fight
And you dont see
That you destroy
The light in me.

The End

Silence Echoing
Speech Receeding
Voices Waning
Music Fading

Vision Blurring
Light Dimming
Sight Fogging
Dark Consuming

Hope Diminishing
Lies Expanding
Promises Breaking
Faith Wavering

Will Cracking
Death Approaching
Life Dieing
Gates Opening

what you say means nothing anymore

why do people always think they know whats best for you?

im a big girl i can make decisions by myself.

if i get hurt thats my bad

leave me alone

and dont tell me what to do anymore

Fabulous Quotes

I was once what you are and what I am you will become


- Masaccio

Who Is YOU?

im soooo curious as to who you are:

kneehanger75

its driving me crazy!

please?

thank you?

:D

Religious Debate

"Every religion emphasizes human improvement, love, respect for others, sharing other people's suffering. On these lines every religion had more or less the same viewpoint and the same goal." The Dalai Lama.


so the debate.....
see: http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=16194128&blogID=347286164&indicate=1

okay....
my thoughts....

like rabbit i need to give background.
i grew up in an extremely religious family. my dad is a devote Christian - part of the Religious Right politically (Opposed to abortion, pornography, and what it views as the marginalizing of religion in American public life, the Religious Right has also championed prayer in the public schools.)(Republican yes i am involving politics because to me they go hand in hand) and my sister fell in line with that. going to church, youth groups, and taking Christ into her heart. My mom was a witness until she was 12 and retains those ideas and beliefs....though she does not actively practice or attend church, politically she is very very Liberal (Democrat, she is Pro-Choice and against anything religious in schools. Just for the record my parents really never should have gotten married.) I was an outcast from the beginning. refusing to believe or even consider anything my dad believed or suggested. (if you know me well you know why i could not look to my dad or his beliefs. So I favored liberalism politically and grew up open minded and rather anti-religion.
now i did attend church - with my sister on occasion when my parents were fighting - we would go with a friend and for a while i was nervous and hesitant to participate. i did however except Christ. unlike rabbit i did not feel as though i was filling anything. i felt that i was cheating myself and lying to a Person/God/Higher Being because i did not fully understand what i was agreeing to, nor did i understand the consequences of my actions. i began to refuse to go to church and would lock myself in my room instead. When i got to high school i entered classes on religion and began to study and read and learn as much as possible. Religion is a fascinating topic and though i dont and will probably never understand, comprehend, or apply every religion. i have studied all major religions and have at the very least basic understandings of the backgrounds, histories, and beliefs of those religions. to this day the subject enthralls me. so thats where i am coming from in all this. from a scholars point of view and a rebellious teenager. as well as someone completely devote and involved in her religious beliefs.

now everyone has defined atheism and agnosticism but no one has defined religion itself. i think its crucial and should be established.
definitions:
1. a specific fundamental set of beliefs and practices generally agreed upon by a number of persons or sects.
2.the body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices
3.something one believes in and follows devotedly; a point or matter of ethics or conscience

by these definitions atheism is a religion. the belief that god does not exist is a belief. it may not comply with "normal" standards of belief but it is one. it is a RELIGION!

**"When people believe there religion and there god to be infallible is when religion begins to counter its basic purpose. People begin to despise other people for there religious beliefs and it end up creating enemy, and inevitable wars, and killing. THATS what i despise about religion."
- war is inevitable no matter what. whether it is based on religion or not doesnt make a difference. people always think they are right regardless of faith. Now there are wars based on religion and belief but not all. Cold War, Korean War, Vietnam War, Iraqi "Conflict" all wars the US has been involved with, all wars not involving religion, just power, politics, and well ignorance.

**"When some writtin book, or some preacher tells its followers that, for whatever reason you are better then them for whatever reason, is going to far. Im not saying that any specific religion is like this, but in the past this has been the outcome of religion."
- dont lie you were thinking about the Christian faith. but moving past that "the outcome of religion" is that people think they are better. think they are right. now youre right to an extent - in that people do think they are right - but again thats in everything... I believe that brownie pie is THE best pie at VI and you know what? I AM SOOOOO RIGHT. now you can try and contradict me but to me and maybe me alone brownie pie IS the best pie.

**"what isn’t our ‘cup of tea’"
- i love that phrase. i love it because it is a perfect analogy for why a certain person doesnt enjoy/like/prefer something. I cant stand cannot stand Chai tea. i cant i have tried and tried and tried to like it but i cant do it. its just not my "cup of tea" (lol ha ha ha sorry) anyway. what is right for you may not be right for someone else. Leah loves Chai loves it. but what is right for her is not right for me. religion is an individual based faith - or should be rather. Any person has the right to choose for themselves what they believe and how to express that belief. I am a devote Agnostic. sounds weird i know but its the truth. for my entire life i have struggled with this issue. calling myself everything from an atheist to a wiccan to a christian. i have said it all and honestly i was ignorant of my own life, feelings, and beliefs. my faith has wavered so much because i was not in tune with who i was. moving away from me. take my mom for instance. raised a witness - no christmas no birthdays no halloween no celebration because it the bible says that no one should celebrate anything or anyone but him. so for 12 years my mom was without any celebration. when she finally got old enough to understand she was able to choose for herself how she wanted to worship and what she wanted to believe. so she started to celebrate (thank goodness because i could not live without halloween!) anyway she still has many if not all of those beliefs but chooses to exercise them her own way. my aunt is a devote DEVOTE witness and refuses to even be around a celebration. she chose to follow the "rules" of her faith. religion is based on who you are. and if you happen to find that church or faith or the monastery in the mountains of Nepal that believes, and practices the way you do - then you can surround yourself with the people who agree with you.

**"Why does a person naturally, consiously and subconsioulsy, want morals?"
**"He is a good moral person, but an athiest. I see hypocracy."

The term "morality" generally refers to a system of personal conduct which differentiates between right and wrong actions.
- i also love this debate. do you have to be religious in order to be moral?
exhibit A - Hitler, a Christian + killed over 6 million Jews = not so moral
exhibit B - Buddhist Monks + beating Christian priests in Sri Lanka = yeah no
(http://www.wsws.org/articles/2004/apr2004/jhu-a01.shtml, http://www.tamileelamnews.com/cgi-bin/news/exec/view.cgi/1/1557, http://www.tamilcanadian.com/page.php?cat=111&id=1495)
exhibit C - Benjamin Franklin + separated virtue, morality, and faith from organized religion + didnt kill anyone = a little bit more moral...
Now morality is defined by laws of authority and the individual combined. a person cant just decide what is right for them and do it (if it doesnt follow the rules of society). a guy cant just rape and murder a girl because HE feels it is morally right. at the same time the government cant say what is moral and what is not. they cannot say that because i choose to not practice religion i am not a moral person. (our government at least). its a complex double edged sword. now a person can go against the "rules" of society/the morals of the government and choose to kill someone but they have to be willing to pay the price society requires. if you have no doubt that what you are doing is moral then you should respect and accept the consequences of your actions. that is the world we live in.

**"In my life: most [friends] are athiest.
Its because its easy.. or try to control thier lives.. they watch it crash and burn [because really its not your plan]...or its how they were raised. They blame all the bad on God, and do not even think he could be part of the good. they think it takes away thier fun. "The hardest path is the best" a quote i live by."(Roshielle) - "Woah, this is totally wrong, its can't be true because, by YOUR definition (Atheism is characterized by an absence of belief in the existence of gods) they can't blame god, he doesn't exist. You really need to make sure your friends aren't agnostic. There can't be a blame on something that doesn't exist" (Rabbit)
- on this issue i totally agree with Rabbit. if god doesnt exist you cant blame him/her for your issues/bad. enough said


i think everything else has been covered....
if i missed something ill edit tomorrow or well later today.
night.

Rockstar Mayhem Tour!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Disturbed and Slipknot on the SAME TOUR!

IDK . . . But . . .

. . .something is seriously wrong....

So Cal

so it looks like rabbit and i are going to California the week BEFORE spring break!
yay
:D

Obama A Speech on Faith

the following videos are Barack Obama
his speech on the issue of lack of religion in politics. the problem with disregarding faith as a rightwing only stance and tool. its inspiring and has been called "the most important speech on religion and politics in 40 years."

“(Obama's speech on faith) may be the most important pronouncement by a Democrat on faith and politics since John F. Kennedy's Houston speech in 1960 declaring his independence from the Vatican...Obama offers the first faith testimony I have heard from any politician that speaks honestly about the uncertainties of belief.”

— E.J. Dionne, Op-Ed., Washington Post, June 30, 2006

truly it is worth the time to listen!

edit: i know i posted two of the same! the first is a duplicate....my bad!

Yesterday/Tonight

Tyler left yesterday.
He wont be back for 18 months at least.
/me cries!
he gave me his dog tags though . . . that makes me feel a little bit better. I haven't taken them off since i got them.
anyway on a more light note . . .
my party is today and noone knows whats going to happen! he he he
muhahahahahahaha
lol
i g2g have to get all dressed up! ttfn!
oh and dont worry ill post some pics or info about it later!
<3

Politics 2008

Barack Obama has just won the Iowa Caucus!

Ahhhh finally a real liberal is ahead!

2007-2008

i hate hate hate hate HATE with the utmost passion: DRAMA!

and it seems lately im in the middle of it all . . .

what a great fuckin way to start a new year!