Salut!

im at my homestay right now!

its fun with the exception of loud kids who dont let me and jamie sleep.

this keyboard is all messed up so i apologize for typos.

so apparently things are pretty bad over there.

what happened to you rabbit?

is everything okay?

your not going to throw yourself off a building are you?

YOU BETTER NOT!

other wise i WILL bring you back and kill you myself!

anyway myspace doesnt work over here! right now anyway.

oh i need addresses for people i have letters and post cards to send and no addresses!

the food here is truly amazing!

i wish i could bring the chocolate back!

/me cries!

okay im better now!

so everyone had better be in the greatest mood ever when i come home!

try to get along boys!

now jamie is freaking out and punching the keys so im going to go!

LOVE YOU!

MISS YOU!

get HAPPY!

LAurEn

Bonjour!

hey!

im having a fantastic time in Paris!

i payed 5 euro to use this internet for like 15 min!

i have seen the eiffel tower, the Arc de Triumph, the Basillica, the artist area! im really tired right now its like 6 in the morning!

anyway yeah!

i love you guys and i miss you!

i will be home before you know it!

have a great day!

I LOVE YOU!

Au Revior!

I LOVE YOU!

I leave in 5 hours.

I spent today not really doing anything.

I hung out with Rabbit (of course) Skyler, Sean, Cheryl, Lori, TK, Bert, Jenny, Blade, Jeremy, Tom, Joe, and of course my bestest friend of all time BRITTANY!

I'm going to miss everyone soooo much!

TK and Bert congrats on your marriage!

Jenny have a blast in Kansas!

Ryan teach those people English in China!

Robert dont drive off any cliffs!

Brittany keep people sane for me!

people make sure you update! (blogs, email, myspace ect.)

I love all of you! (not just the people mentioned above! but everyone!)

I will be home before you know it!

Dont let too much change in my absence.

I love you with all my heart!

LAurEn DiAne

soon to be a worldly woman!

Old Friends

i just got done talking to Ryan Biehle.
hes one of my heroes.
talking to him made me feel really good.
i miss him.
hope he comes to visit when hes gets back from China!
anyway yeah that was the highlight of my day!
<3!

YAY!

PainMistress: idk....i just dont want you to feel like you have to be nice to me
PainMistress: you dont
PainMistress: i wont hold it against you
[unclan]Stealthactionman: i cant be mean to anyone
[unclan]Stealthactionman: unless im having a bad day and they do something to piss me off
PainMistress: lol
PainMistress: ...i dont know what to say other than thanks
[unclan]Stealthactionman: you could say I LOVE YOU STEPHEN
[unclan]Stealthactionman: rofl copter
PainMistress: i do i love you stephen
[unclan]Stealthactionman: no you have to say in caps
PainMistress: I LOVE YOU STEPHEN!
[unclan]Stealthactionman: yeah but now you just took to long
[unclan]Stealthactionman: ruined it
PainMistress: gawd sorry!
PainMistress: lol
PainMistress: we at least some what cool then?
[unclan]Stealthactionman: yeah
PainMistress: good *sighs in relief*

Moving On!

so.....

uhhh idk where to start.

brad texted me last night and i am sick of all of it.

he asked for something I bought with MY money. it set off some stuff for me. i dont want to deal with him anymore. i dont want him in my life. so this morning i got all the stuff together that we bought together, everything he gave me, letters, books, cd's he burned me, movies (including some of my disney movies) my promise ring. all of it.

it felt really really good.

except now i am missing half my dvd and cd collections. hell i even gave back my favorite shirt and shoes. i just want it to be over and now it will be. im not going to go to his house and shoot him. im not crazy just frustrated and annoyed. now its over

moving on to happier things.

tonight was well. interesting. somethings happend that i just i dont know. i dont know if it will be something or what. i guess we will see.

oh and im pretty sure that im totally jealous of nina and i cant really tell you why.

ummm well tonight was my last night with most of the white water crew. I will miss you guys!

tomorrow is going to be crazy.

i have to be at chelseas at 10 to print off photos for my photo album.

then i have to meet up with the LAN group.

then country jam to see taylor swift with Bee and Chels we are going all out with cowboy hats and everything!

then idk what

i am going to miss all of you sooooo much!

have a great three weeks.

dont change too much.

I Love You!

A Mix Up and Plans

some people miss read my blog from a few days ago.

you all are freaking out because you think that rabbit and i got high with sean.

we didnt.

sean was hanging out with us and when his hook up showed up WE LEFT!

to eat a Dos Hombres.

We did not get high.

We have not done drugs

Drank Alcohol or

Smoke anything including hookah.

I leave in 2 days and 3 nights.

I hope all of you have a great time while im gone.

tonight = movie night i think
tomorrow night = delta drive in. (bring $7.50 to get in. we will meet at my place at 7 to head out)
call if you want to do something.

Mom, Packing, and Tubing!

I packed today with my mom.

shes all freakin out and its starting to get irritating.

whatever.

oh and i colored my hair again

its brown now....

wierd i know

anyway I leave in 4 days! w00t!

Jeremy, Alex and I are going tubing down the river on Thursday.

if you want to come let me know I'll figure something out. maybe.

yeah so . . .

whatever

call me people.

or write.

i really dont care which.

Nothing . . . But Fun

the last two days(?) have been fun.

yesterday (Sunday) I watched a movie with my family.

weird I know.

then rabbit and I went out to the Redlands and chilled with Sean for a while.

after a while he went to go get high and we went to Dos Hombres with Garrett, Chad, Brice, and Sherrie.

after that we went to Lynwood park and fucked around for a while.

I went over to Jeremy's and apologized for lying to him.

he told me we were cool and gave me a hug!

I less than three you Jeremy and I missed you!

Rabbit and I hung there for a while talking and catching up.

oh get this Jeremy joined the Marines!

hes trying to get out of it.

thinking of playing the gay card and then getting high the day he's supposed to be at boot camp.

today (Monday) Rabbit and I got up early.

we were going to clean his house but ended up talking on LPU chat for like 2 hours instead.

then we went to Khol's and made fun of Jeremy.

after that we went to see Ocean's Thirteen.

decent movie I like it.

we went to Chopstix Express after that with Bee.

after a while Jeremy, Chelsea, Bee, Rabbit and I went swimming at my grandparents house.

then we met up with Garrett and Tony at Jeremy's house and chilled at Lynwood again.

Now I am home and about to fall asleep so night all!

see you laterz!

Actions and Thoughts

Yesterday Was Interesting.

I went shopping with my parents and Rabbit.

then Rabbit and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, again.

I heart that movie

After the Movie we went to play pool at a pool hall with Skyler, Sean and Sean's cousin, Jenny.

At about 9:30 Rabbit and I went to the Angelic Deficiancy concert. I met the new guy who works there, Cameron. He's cool and says that since we are friends that everytime he works the door I can get in free. He's pretty bad ass.

When we got bored at the concert we went to VI and had Brownie Pie.

Around 11:30 I went home.

Thats what I did.

This is what I thought about.

Brad - we talked the other day. He hates me and always will. That makes it easier for me to move on. I don't have to think that maybe we could be cool. I can't try anymore, because there is nothing to try for.

TJ - I wrote a letter to him. I just hope that you are okay. But I really can't worry about you right now. It tears me apart.

Europe - I am so excited and scared at the same time. Being without all of the people I am close to is going to be so hard. But I promise to write/call/blog/email/IM if I get the chance.

Moving On - its going to be hard but what else can any of us do now?

Europe!

I am so tired of GJ and all the drama and shit that has been going on!
I leave in a week for Europe.
I will be gone for three weeks.
I hope everyone here figures their stuff out in that time.
When I come home I plan to apply to Mesa, concentrate on the rest of the summer and my friends.
No drama, no who's doing who, no who said what.
This is a once in a lifetime experience and I can't wait to get out there!
I will miss you all terribly but this will be an opportunity for everyone to cool off.

anyway here's my itinerary for the trip!

June 24 - fly out of GJ at 6 am. layover in DIA. fly to Munich. layover there. fly to Paris.
June 25, 26 - Paris - visit Montmartre, Eiffel Tower, Latin Quarter, Notre Dame Cathedral, and Musée du Louvre.
June 27, 28, 29 - stay with a French family.
June 30 - take a train to Italy.
July 1 - Venice - visit Basilica di San Marco, Piazza San Marco, Bridge of Sighs, ride in a gondola.
July 2 - Montecatini - on our way to Tuscany.
July 3, 4 - Assisi/Pisa/Florence - visit the Square of Miracles, The Leaning Tower, The Duomo, and the Accademia Gallery.
July 5,6 - Rome - visit the Forum and Colosseum, the Vatican, St. Peter’s Cathedral, the Piazza Navona, the Pantheon, the Spanish Steps and Trevi Fountain.
July 7 - Naples/Campania - see Mount Vesuvius.
July 8 - take a Ferry to Greece.
July 9 - Peloponnese/Olympia - see where the Olympics first took place.
July 10, 11, 12 - Athens - visit Epidaurus, Acropolis, learn Greek Dancing, then some island hopping.
July 13 (Friday dun dun dun) - head home.

oh and I don't know when exactly but we are supposed to repel down a castle/cliff! how cool is that!

A Few Definitions

Some People I Know.
A Mage - magic female. capable of making any guy fall in love with her, making any relationship work, making life a living hell. takes love and destroys it; kills respect and trust.
A Trust Fund Kid - someone who has money, who thinks that they can get away with anything because of that money; like get drunk and take off, date friends of their ex and destroys respect.
An Ex - someone who will stop at nothing to cause severe amounts of pain.
A Friend - a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile.
An Enemy - a person who feels hatred for, fosters harmful designs against, or engages in antagonistic activities against another; an adversary or opponent.

Some Definitions.
Truth - conformity with fact or reality.
Lying - something intended or serving to convey a false impression.

Creating - to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
Destroying - To ruin completely; spoil; To tear down or break up; demolish.

Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
Hate - to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest.

Loyalty - the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
Back Stabbing - to attack (someone) unfairly, especially in an underhand, deceitful manner.

Life - complicated, a lie, vengeful, unwanted, destroyed.
Death - easy, honest, hopeful, accepted.

why do we all fight to live?
we all know that truth, love, loyalty, friendship, and life all end.
they all lose.
so why do we try?
why do we fight?
why do we put ourselves through pain and agony?
WHY?

Accident Pic

Thought You Guys Might Want To See The Accident. Sorry The Pic Sucks But It Was Dark!

Randomness

I had one of the most random days imaginable today.

I hung out with Greg first thing. Nic is back from boot camp so he was there too. with Greg and Nic comes two things, Alcohol and Cigarettes. so of course the first thing i do is get a cig. After a year and a half i had a cigarette. I felt tons better and remembered why i liked them. sadly however i wont be having anymore. /me is disappointed in herself. : (

Next I went to GameStop because Robert told me that if i had anything to drink that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. /me shakes fist at Robert! so instead of indulging in the drunken pleasure of imported Rum i went to GameStop.

There i met up with Robert and Whitney. We went to the mall and got icees. then proceeded to return to GameStop only to run into my worst enemy yup you guessed it the person that hates me the most BRAD! him and Stephen were there. the tension was sooooo incredibly bad. i totally freaked out. i was shaking so bad that after he left the store i had to sit on the ground. of course not to be rude i said "Later" to Stephen (mainly because i have no issue with Stephen) which was followed by a "I think not" by Brad. yeah that was fun.
After that I spent a good half hour on the phone with Rhino. we talked about all my issues and how i could resolve them. i wish that that would actually happen but i honestly dont think that i can fix anything with the way things are going.

Then i spent a good 2 hours hanging out with Cameron. yeah i know random. we watched Futurama and just chilled out. he gave me cores to his drumsticks though for my birthday. i am happy to say that i am the only one to own/be given actual drumsticks from Cameron! btw your a bad ass!

after that i proceeded to spend several more hours with Robert at GameStop while he worked. then we picked up Brianna and went to GJ Scores to chill. that was fun.
when we got bored there we went to VI! yay for cheese fries and awkward conversations. Brad texted Brianna said "we are going to Denver" random much then called and said they were going to VI she talked them out of it. ummmm yeah pretty sure he wants to hurt me and is thinking about hooking up with Brianna. she says they wont date though because hes not Christian.

all i know is that i cant do anything. i cant date, i cant kiss, i cant do anything. i dont trust myself to not crush some innocent guy. i cant apologize anymore because now it is no longer my fault. i tried to fix it.
but since the lying thing i haven't done anything to him. NOTHING! i didnt take away Robert! that was his CHOICE! im not trying to take any of his friends. it is their CHOICE to hang out with me. i have done nothing wrong in the last month.
Brad made Robert choose and he knew full well that asking someone to choose is telling them not to choose you. Brad himself believes this. their was no loyalty or respect coming from Brad when he did that. NONE!

i need to stop now.

good night.

Any Takers?

I Haven't Been Drunk In Almost A Year And A Half
But Between
Brad
T.J.
Greg
Bryson
My Mom
Europe
[Add Issue Here]
Getting Drunk Sounds Pretty Damn Good.
Anyone Want To Join Me?

I Dont Want To Cry But . . .

Nothing has changed and its starting to tear me apart.

Were There Movies At . . .

Movie Night?
uhhhh Kinda
Brittany Chelsea and I had a Three Some in My Sister's Room.

take a look.

photos by Rabbit

Bummed You Didn't Join Us?

Obsession

We all have it.
I am obsessed with normalcy.
And feelings.
And fixing what is broken.
I am obsessed with happiness.
And forcing a smile.
I know i am obsessed.
Do you?

I'm Not Okay.

I got into a car accident tonight.
we were in a high speed moving car and three of my best friends were in the front seat without seatbelts. Chelsea, Brittany and Tony. Chelsea hit her head on the dash and i pray that she is going to be okay. Brittany and Tony seemed fine and Rabbit who was sitting next to me in the back seat is fine. but i am scared to death that tomorrow morning im going to wake up and that i will have lost my best friends. im scared of that but i also realized somethings.
things i was kinda already aware of but . . .
this just pushed it over the edge.
The first thing that came to mind tonight was talking to Brad.
thats all i wanted. i wanted to call him up and have him tell me that everything was okay. But i couldnt and i cant and im not okay with that right now. Brad i am so sorry for everything and right now all i want is for everything to go back. i want to be able to call you and talk to you. i want to be able to help you and have you help me. i want to comfort you and be comforted. i want everything to go back to the way things were.
Next came TJ.
I dont know whats going on in Iraq and that scares me. you wont talk to me. you wont tell me whats wrong. everything is so messed up and i need to hear your voice. I need you. i need to know your okay and i need you to come home.
After that was Greg.
you were my best friend for so long and the last year has torn us apart. I miss you and i need you. I dont know whats going on with you and why you wont tell me. but i know its bad and that it merits worry. im afraid for you and afraid of what is happening.
Then of course there were the thoughts of Kelsi and what happend to her.
She died in a car accident this past year. and it was hard on everyone. i miss her and wish that we had been closer. or maybe i dont.
I talked to Bryson.
he is in denver and has informed me that he wont be coming home as soon as he thought. i miss him and i want to see him again.
I am not okay with the way things are right now.
I need all of the above mentioned people with the exception of Kelsi and Brad to talk to me. i need to know what is going on and i need to know that you are okay. the only reason brad is excluded is because i am trying to respect his wishes. if he doesnt want to talk to me then thats fine im not using this as a way to reenter his life. but if you do want to talk to me brad feel free.
Rabbit thank you for being there for me tonight. im glad you were with me. thank you for everything. and i honestly dont know what i would have done without you.
feel free to call me.
for the most part however i am going to be afk and out of reach for a day or two.
i will answer the phone and sometime emails.
im crashing at rabbits tonight, ill be home early tomorrow though.
good night everyone. sleep well.
<3.

Pics!

Fun Pics from Yesterday!

Rabbit and Brian chillin!

Rabbit wrapped in a fuzzy green blanket!

Garrett, Tony and Brice beating the crap out of eachother!

Tony Stuck in My Grandmothers Vase!

A Few Members of the Whitewater Chrew!

The Four Best Looking Chicks At The Party!



More Later!

Party FUN!

Yesterday!

good times good times.

i had a party.

it was fucking awesome!

everyone got along and everyone was happy!

we chilled at my grandparents for a while.

a long while.

ate cake and pizza.

i got frickin amazing presents from my frickin fantabulous friends!

i got an Evanescence shirt from Dane.

an I Pwn Boys shirt from Rabbit.

a GIR shirt from Shannielle.

the new Marilyn Manson CD from Chelsea and Brittany.

a thirty dollar gift card to Borders from Leah and Caleb.

a gift card for i dont know how much to Hot Topic from Alex and Nic.

and stuff for my trip from my parents and grandparents.

plus $100 for Euros.

people swam and Tony got stuck in a Vase.

ummm . . .

we played this game where you throw round things at a smaller round thing.

it was fun.

Rabbit and Brian had like 5 Monsters each.

i thought they were going to explode.

oddly enough though they were mellow.

then we all went to VI!

Every single person got PIE!

that has never happened before and it kicked serious ass!

then Chelsea, Alex (not my cousin but chelseas new guy), Garrett, Brittany, Tony and I went to WalMart and screwed around with the carts for a while.

it was the best birthday party ever!

Thanks guys!

oh and ill post some photos.

<3

PARTY!

Today is my birthday party!
yay!
a chance for old and new friends to meet . . .
god i hope that the LAN group and the Whitewater Crew get along.
Im soooo excited!
anyway.
its at my grandparents place.
if you want to come and need directions.
give me a call.
985-5028!
hope to see all of you soon!
<3
LAurEn
oh p.s. gifts are not required! *but are always appreciated*
/me coughs

It's Mushey . . .

That is what Rabbit said after he POKED my boob!
enough said about today.

Confusion. I Think?

Confusion . . .

that is the state I am in.

I don't know what to do.

or say.

I don't know what I want.

or who.

I know I want to be happy.

I know Robert and I are friends.

but I won't keep him and Brad apart.

I know I still love Brad.

I know I have been repressing that.

I know I have been trying to be happy.

I want to be happy.

I know I like hanging out with Brian.

I also know I can't committ to anything.

I wouldn't be respecting Brian,

I wouldn't be respecting my feelings,

and I certainly wouldn't be respecting Brad,

or the love we shared.

I know I want to be happy.

but where does happy start?

IDK . . . What Else To Say.

Im taking a page or well post from rabbits blog. i have so much to say to so many people. in the last few weeks i have screwed up not only my life but a lot of peoples. i cant fix that now. i wish i could but i really cant. i apologize to everyone i hurt.

Rabbit: you have been an amazing friend. i dont know what i would have done over the last few weeks without you. i love you and i do mean that. you risked a lot when you decided to be my friend and i hope that that was the right choice for you. i want you to be happy and if that means that you are friends with brad and not me then thats great, if it means being my friend then thank you. everything you have done for me is just truly amazing and i couldn't ask for a better friend. you are one of my best friends right now and well thank you!

Brittany: you have always been an amazing friend. you brighten all of my days and without you i would be totally lost. thank you for helping me keep everything in perspective. i really appreciate you friendship and i hope that i don't screw that up. you are truly a fantabulous person. i love you!

TJ: my best friend. the one person i love above all others. you are my family, my friend, my life line, my everything. without you i would cease to exist. i know we are moving through a weird phase but i also know that we will make it through like always. you and i both need to figure out what we are going to do. you have katie and malachi to worry about and i have everyone here to worry about. remember Usque Coagmentatio. I miss you and cant wait for you to get home. concentrate on staying alive and in a few months we will be together again. I love you, be safe!

Chelsea: you and i have been in kind of the same boat with boys for a while now. i am sorry about Dustin and i wish i could help you but honestly i am totally the wrong person to ask. but you have helped make me happy over the last few weeks. i hope i can do the same for you. i love you and i want the both of us to be happy! and remember if you do want to talk you can ask and i will listen.

Shaneille: you and i just became friends. we have known each other for a while but really we just became friends. you are an amazing person. pretty much always happy. you brighten everyday. thank you for that. i know you are also going through the boy thing and if you need to talk let me know. i <3>

Levi: you have helped me so much over the last few weeks. thank you for the advice and sparring believe it or not i feel soooo much better. You have always been an amazing friend. thank you for everything! i missed you and i hope that we will be able to see each other more in the future.

Sean: you are hilarious. you have managed to make me laugh more in the last few days than i have in weeks. thank you for everything. especially allowing me to enter your group. you guys are amazing. the time we have spent together has been great and i thank you for every second of it.

Skyler: i just met you as well and you have welcomed into your home and life. thank you. you are great guy and i appreciate you allowing me to be your friend.

The Whitewater Crew: you guys are awesome. we have so much fun together and i just don't know what else to say. you accepted me into your group without the blink of an eye. you are fun and funny, and above all else you are sweet. all of you. thank you for everything.

last but certainly not least:

Brian: you have entered my life and taken it by storm. relationship is not a good word for me right now. i just got out of a relationship and honestly thought i would be "single" for a while. however, i didn't count on meeting someone as amazing as you. you are a comfort and a challenge. a lover and a fighter, and a fantabulous guy. i don't deserve someone as great as you but ill take what i am given. I hope that us being together is a good thing. right now however i want to thank you Brian Acker for all that you have done. you have been a tremendous help to me and my life. i appreciate your friendship and your caring. I hope to be seeing much much more of you. <3!

those were the thank yous now the apologies . . .

Alex: you are Brad's friend and my family. I don't want you to have to choose between the two of us. you are more than welcome to ditch me in exchange for brad and his plans. i apologize for putting you in this situation. you are a friend and you shouldn't be forced to decide between two friends. i hope this makes it easier for you. if you have to choose choose brad. he is your friend and he needs you now. i am your family, i will always be here. if you need something don't hesitate to ask, no matter the problem i want to help.

Stephen: you and i were never really close friends but i feel i should apologize for the problems i may have caused you. i know that i was stupid and i don't expect nor do i deserve forgiveness. i am only trying to help in understanding. Brad is your friend and has been for a long time. i don't intend to interfere with that, however, i am here if you ever need someone to talk/vent to. again never hesitate to ask.

Jeremy: i lied to you as well. you were right to be an ass to me. i apologize for what i did. i really don't know where you stand exactly. however i do assume that you are not speaking to me and i honestly don't blame you. i wouldn't speak to me either. i do apologize and hope that everything works out for you.

Debate kids: you guys are great. and i know you are in the middle as well. i have spoken to a few of you and hope that we can continue to be friends. Jon and Blake i have your stuffs just holler and i shall return it!

Rhino: you were a great friend. i did what Robert did however, i asked your advice and proceeded to ignore it. i apologize for that. now however i have complied with brad's wishes. i have been removed from [unclan] and your friendship. not what i want but i need to respect brad's wishes. i cant fix him a rabbit but i can do everything else. i loved being your friend and hopefully at a later date that would be of more convenience to the both of us. ill miss you rhino. thanks for all the advice!

finally Brad: i have apologized for everything. I am so sorry for the way i hurt you. It was not my intention. i honestly don't know what else i can say.

again i dont know what else to say.

ITS ACTUALLY SATURDAY!

yesterday was my birthday (in case you didnt catch that...if you didnt see below)
anyway i hung out with pretty much everyone.....
its was GREAT!
i had the most fantabulous day...
i couldnt donate blood though i weighed (get this) one pound below the minimum!
ONE FRICKIN POUND!
yay that = suckage
anyway everything else was perfect!
thank you everyone who made my birthday amazing!
<3>
see you at some point i think!

B1RTHD4Y!

1T'S MY B1RTHD4Y ! ! !
w00t!
I am totally excited about today!
Cant wait to see my amazing peoplez!
<3!