I just dont know

okay so my life has once again crumbled beneath me.
go here http://gjhslibrary.blogspot.com/
to see one part of my life. one of my mentors, my second mom, my life line at GJHS. she has breast cancer and will be out for an entire month or longer. i honestly dont know how to function here without her.
other parts of my life are less significant but part of me none the less.
i dont know whats going on and for me not knowing is worse than knowing something terrible. i cant stay here anymore. i need out!
school
junction
work
even VI
im a disater and i need it all to be over.
im leaving now.

College!

ah
i am sooo not prepared for college!
i have yet to request my letters of recommendation!
i have yet to write my essays!
and i have yet to fill out my resume!
im pretty much screwed.
ahhhhh
yeah so for the next several weeks i will be home a lot.
doing the tasks i need to to secure my future!
but yall can still call and we can hang out just not as much!

oh and i was nominated as people to people student ambassador of the year! if i win i get to go on another trip for FREE!
how bad ass is that!

anyway im off to school.
ttyl
hearts hugs and kisses too!
LAurEn DiAne

Conversations

Chat 1 me and Skyler
[21:36] CupricReki: its so incredibly unfair to do this to a person
[21:36] LAurEn DiAne: yeah we established that
[21:37] CupricReki: i just see the world for being a better place than it realy is
[21:39] LAurEn DiAne: yeah you do
[21:39] CupricReki: i just wish he could relize what hes doing to her
[21:40] CupricReki: shes ganna be forever changed
[21:40] LAurEn DiAne: a lot of people are sky.
[21:40] LAurEn DiAne: daily
[21:40] CupricReki: but who the hell things they deserve the power to do that to someone?
[21:41] CupricReki: thinks*
[21:41] LAurEn DiAne: a lot of dad's husband's brother's a lot of peoples families spouses boyfriends...

i hate this time of year. when i remember everything so clearly. this isnt helping much. i mean i love my dad. i live with him we get along fine. hes a different person and so am i. i just i dont know. i havent forgotten and i dont think i ever will.

conversation 2 me and Rabbit
[21:41] [unclan] Rabbit: Hey, are you okay? You still didn't awnser my question in the first place
[21:41] LAurEn DiAne: im alright
[21:42] [unclan] Rabbit: :( You kinda have me worried
[21:42] LAurEn DiAne: just sky talking to me about his girls abusive father
[21:42] LAurEn DiAne: bad memories and shit
[21:43] [unclan] Rabbit: Yeah, is there anything I can do for you?
[21:43] LAurEn DiAne: but he doesnt understand that what she is going through now i went through years ago
[21:43] LAurEn DiAne: and it was worse
[21:43] [unclan] Rabbit: :(
[21:44] * [unclan] Rabbit wishes he could give lauren a hug right now :'(
[21:45] LAurEn DiAne: yeah i just want it to go away but i want to help him too. and her. but i cant face my past not yet. im suprised i can live with him. i guess i just understand that people change


[22:09] LAurEn DiAne: i just didnt want to think about any of that especially with nov coming up
[22:09] [unclan] Rabbit: :(
[22:10] LAurEn DiAne: its just hard living with him and paige pointed out that her bday is only 4 weeks away
[22:10] LAurEn DiAne: its so close two years now and still i can see it as if it were yesterday
[22:11] [unclan] Rabbit: It won't happen again
[22:12] LAurEn DiAne: i know but it still hurts
[22:12] LAurEn DiAne: and then sky talks about it like it doesnt happen all the time.
[22:12] LAurEn DiAne: he didnt even realize that it was hurting me
i just i dont know. i need sleep.
night

I Dont Know What I Want.

okay so i really dont know what i want!
i want to be with brandon and at the same time i really dont.
i want to go to go to CSU but at the same time i want to stay here.
i want to fly more than anything but that would mean joining an armed force.
i want to be seen as one of the elite but i dont want to act like them.
i want to be with tyler (TJ) but dont know if i can.
i want to be single and flirtatious but what are the implications of that?
i really just dont know what i want.

but i need to make decisions and fast.

if i get into CSU and get scholarships i will go. (i hope)
brandon is out of town so that gives me some time to really think.
and TJ wont be home for another month so i have time to think about that too.

now im going to go read and then its off to Naturita!
yay!

Kinda Whats Happened

im done with brandon - he has screwed another girl, told me to be with him, blown me off, and now he wants to figure out his gambling scheme instead of being with me. yeah i forgave him once and we spent days trying to figure this out then he thinks we shouldnt see eachother long term. screw him. i told him to get his crap together and then maybe maybe ill even talk to him. we'll see how that goes.

at like 2 this morning john banister asked me out. i agreed so we'll see what happens.

sky and i are great which makes me really happy! :D i missed hanging out with him.

the Zelazowa concert was freakin amazing! i loved it. the band hung out with us and what not. i got 2 drumsticks - from different bands, and like 4 picks all signed. it makes me happy.

anyway off to school where learning happens - kindaish. . .

<3