I Want to Fly That!

why did i have to be born with less than perfect vision? I want to fly soooo bad! and i want to fly the F-22 Raptor!

. . . I Feel . . .

Lost.

Music of the Moment

i think this song may be relevant to me in a major way sometime in the near future.

TIMBALAND LYRICS

"Apologize"



I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...

Just a Reminder to Me

"i see you and him being amazing friends. I am getting the vibe from him that he really really likes you, on the flip side i see you, who doesn't have it. the fact that you have to ask tells me that you want it to be there, and your trying to make it work. But there is something holding you back. whether its just that there is no spark or if its just your past that is providing this block. i don't know. i think your best course of action is to find out what is causing this uncertainty, if you know what it is then decide if you still want to pursue the "relationship" with him. if you do, make it clear to him how you feel. to prevent hurt down the road. if you can't figure it out, then id say just go with the flow and see what happens. if its meant to be, then it will work, if not then it wont. i am a strong believer in the "everything happens for a reason" ideal. just do what you gotta do and think long before you make your next move. before you hurt yourself or someone else."

does anyone agree?

Argg Matey!

so...today is national talk like a pirate day! yay! i wont do that through out this blog sorry!
things have been kinda crazy.
i have been hanging with a new group of people.
they are really cool and funny and nice and i like chillin with them.
although im catching some flack because most people dont like them.
they are the smart kids, the kids who win at everything, the valedictorian and that group. and for the most part other kids just dont like them. probably because they beat us at everything. but i like them and im pretty sure ill be spending a lot more time with them.
i have been spending a lot more time with skyler too. hes such a good guy. i like him a lot. we have been bad though like in denver (PR) we had one rule no boys in lauren's room and yeah sky spent two nights there, we didnt do anything but sleep but yeah. and then the other night at the LAN i slept in his bed and he joined me later. i think its just comforting. its nice to sleep next to him, he listens to me and comforts me and i do the same.
Rabbit and i are chill - we are spending loads of time together, chillin and hangin out. just being us.
brandon went back to St. George yesterday but he'll be back by Sunday if not sooner.
so yeah idk what else to say. i have ditched a lot of classes this year already mainly to work on Art History - which i am truly obsessed with.
life is calm and collected. im getting back into a grove and i like where my life is headed, i like who i have become over the last six months. now i just need to graduate!

The Storm Last Night . . .

was CRAZY
it actually woke me up at like 3a.m.!
im soooo tired! but in a good way!

Change . . .

why is it that people refuse to see change in others?
tonight bee and chels both looked at me like i was crazy because i wanted to go to the pep assembly and i wanted to participate in the game. (we lost btw).
im NOT the same person i was freshman year! im not angry and bitter, i wont hit you just cause i feel like it. i dont spar anymore, i dont use swords and knives dont effect me the way they used to.
people change.
im different.
stop treating me like im still a naive freshman.
i have learned and put it to good use.
i want to be part of the school.
i love junction high i know that makes me "strange" but at least i havent remained the same over the last few years.

why cant anyone let go of the past?

Deftones
"Change"



I've watched you change
Into a fly
I looked away
You were on fire
I watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So Alive
I've watched you change
I took you home
Set you on the glass
I pulled off your wings
Then I laughed
I watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So alive
I've watched you change
It's like you never
Had wings ahhh ahh ahhh
I look at the cross
Then I look away
Give you the gun
Blow me away
I've watched a change
In you
It's like you never
Had wings
Now you feel
So Alive
I've watched you change.
Now you feel Alive
You Feel Alive
I've watched you change
It's like you never
Had wings ahhh ahh ahhh

Its All Good

okay so i would like to update all on everything that has happened lately.
for the last month or so rabbit has been hurting me.
sometimes intentionally.
he has caused a lot of pain and distrust for me.
i have forgiven him however. did he hurt me - yeah. is it as easy to trust him - no. will he always be my best friend - of course.
when brandon slept with nina i was angry sure - did i forgive him - yeah.
the thing is . . . when brad hurt me rabbit picked up the pieces. he put me back together and i have been slowly mending myself over the last few months.
i have changed - i know that sounds idk how it sounds but its true. i feel different.
i feel oddly passive and i care a lot about people - everyone really.
i dont hold grudges anymore. for instance if brad were to call me asking for help or just wanting to talk i would help. i have forgiven him - for everything. all he did to me directly and all hes done since i hurt him, not only to me, but to him.
i have been talking to my sister and chillin with her - i even invited her to the blue october concert with me next month.
i guess my being more friendly has caused a little confusion though - my guy friends have all become "attracted" to me. i have had to tell like 4 guys that we are just friends that i dont want a boyfriend or any kind of relationship.
im really just not ready. i know that much about myself.
idk i just really like people in general and i try to get to know them. i have been doing what i feel is right and so far its working out great.
anyway yeah im doing good everything is back on track. im really really happy with my AP Art History class its perfection. and now more than ever im convinced thats what i want to study.
Rabbit and i are great! yay!
today was Orange and Black day at junction! the homecoming game is tonight! and homecoming is tomorrow.
im generally happy with life right now!
oh and i got fired at Genghis but it really doesnt bother me. i have way more time now though the moniez was good. oh well what can you do?!?
hearts all
*Squeegee*

ummmm yeah!

Brittany wrote "i know that this whole "dating" multiple people is what you want, but i think that the people that you're with don't really want that. they want exclusiveness. you may be ready for such a mature idea as dating more than one person with no "strings" attached, but most people our age aren't. and that is going to hurt them all (and you as well) in the long run."

I hope that that isnt true. but from what im experiencing it is. people dont seem as content as i thought they were. i dont know that i am either...

anyway im doing good. things have been happening. that promotes change which is good.
good stuff:
Rabbit and i are great! we talked and worked some stuff out and what not. everything there is great.
Skyler is my new favorite person! he makes everything better.
Ryan is great. he makes me happy and what not. a little off but i heart him.
Ryan B called me today! we talkedish and apparently he had a great time in China. we are going to hopefully set aside time to sit down and chat.
Tyler (TJ) and i have been talking somethings up but idk what. he'll be home soon and that makes me sooooo happy.
i love AP Art History my friends say im obsessed. . . maybe i am . . . *shifty eyes*

on the down side:
Sean i dont understand. one minute he likes hanging out with me. the next he cant stand me...idk whatever
Brandon is back and apologizing like usual i think he means it though. i think hes sorry about nina. and its not like we were like "together" idk its just im not comfortable with the whole him having sex with someone thing. i think ill just play it out see what happens.
i ditch too much school - homework is piling up and yeah i dont do it. everything but AP Art History sucks.

anyway yeah life is good.
upcoming:

homecoming

Concerts:
Zelazowa
Grotto
Autumn's Chase
Static-x
Blue October
Brand New
Say Anything
Trice
Shadows Fall
Yellowcard
Foo Fighters
Ozzy Osbourne
Rob Zombie
Avenged Sevenfold

and work...

That Feeling!

i love that feeling
that my throat hurts from screaming and singing
that my entire body hurts from the mosh
that my body is sticky and wet from the jumping and the heat
that i cant hear anything because the music was too loud
that im sooo hungry because i burned too many calories
that i just want to keep dancing, keeping hurting, keep screaming and singing!
that i just want to KEEP GOING!

i have experience this feeling like 3 times in the last 3 weeks! i cant wait to continue unfortunately it will have to wait a week for homecoming but then again there is music!!

i love concerts!

Who Needs Friends?

why is it that the people that say they care, say and do hurtful things?
im tired of feeling like i cant try and help without someone telling me to "just back off"
im tired of feeling like helping or trying to help isnt right any more.
like being friends with someone is useless and pointless.
maybe i should just not have friends right now.
i think ill go bury myself in art history
whatever i just i cant deal with this anymore.