Ahhhhh SHOES run away!

MY FEET ARE KILLING ME!
I JUST WORKED A FIVE HOUR SHIFT IN HIGH HEELS!
I KNOW I'M SUCH A WUSS...

Roswell!

The last three days kicked ass!
Brad Robert Jeremy and I went to the Alternative Rock Show! the Concert was amazing and allowed us to not only listen to a few of our favorite bands (Autumn's Chase, Riverseed) but discover a new one (Zelazowa). Of course I didn't do any of my Trig homework, but eh what ever its just trig and I'm getting an A so who cares?
I got Brad absolutely hooked on Roswell the T.V. show! for the last 2 days that is all we did! except for VI last night but......
anyway so tonight he begged my mom to let him stay almost an hour late so he could finish the last episode of the season! I am so excited! he said that when he gets payed he is going to buy the 2nd season, so we can watch it together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway yeah now i'm actually going to attempt to finish my Trig......
night all!

what day is it?

ahhhh will the week ever end?!?

more than imaginable!

We are back together! I am soooooo incredibly happy . . . I wish I had more to say but I just I can't even begin to express how I feel right now!

I LOVE YOU BRADLEY!

more than anything or anyone else in the whole entire world!

Hearts, Hugs and Kisses Too!

if only i knew

I couldn't sleep again last night...
anxious about today i guess.
I haven't eaten real food in a while only sugar and well sugar
my stomach doesn't hurt any more though
hot showers help ease some pain
my friends are great but they can't tell me what i need to know
everyone is mad that i can't just figure this out for myself, but i honestly don't know how. and i don't want to sit in a room all alone thinking about how i feel, it only makes me remember. then i start to cry and that sucks, and i just i don't know i need answers. hopefully today will help with that.
i think i am just going to walk around for a while...

help

my body hurts, my head aches, i can't stop crying, im confused and in pain, i feel empty and gross. i cant decide...i pretend to be happy but am i really? no one can help me now

boys?

movie night is no longer all girls...

sorry Rhino!

the 80s kicked ASS!

ALL GIRLS MOVIE NIGHT LINEUP!

tonight we are watching:

Pretty in Pink
16 Candles
Breakfast Club
High Fidelity
Say Anything
and possibly St Elmo's Fire!

!!!!!!!!!!!yay for 80s movies!!!!!!!!!!!

ribbons, shopping and Rhino

OMG!!!!!!!

so my new thing is ribbons! i am going to wear lots of ribbons in my hair!

that is the preface to what happened today. So i got up and was sad and not happy. but i talked to shanna and she came over and i talked to rhino for a while but he made me sad and disappointed in myself. I do have to admit that i feel bad about everything that happened last night but eh what can you do right? I have no desire to date right now. Sorry Spike! i just...... i don't know..... i don't want to start something i can't finish, and i know that if i did start something i would regret it because all i would be able to think about would be brad, wondering if he was happy, maybe even wishing he was there. He has been in my life for so long that I just dont know if i can make something work with someone else now or in the near future. I'm just really confuse right now. I mean I love bradley and i want us to be okay but i just don't know if i could handle us being together on the other hand i don't know if i can handle us being apart but i just don't know what to do.......anyway Rhino gave me some fantabulous advice that i will not put into action until i am off my period and less moody!

okay so moving on to the rest of the day. Shanna and i went to the mall and waited until Bee got off work and we went shopping! i spent like 50 dollars! we are going to grow our own 4 leaf clovers! i know we are amazing!

anyway after i bought shirts and lunch and jewelry we went to Barnes and Noble and sat in the Teen section talking about boy issues and how we were going to fix them. On our way out we stopped by the "relationship" part of the store and Brittany magically pulled out. . . .





the suspense is killing you huh?



the Karma Sutra: Her Pleasure! and it was so Hilarious! so we start looking through it and im like "OMG guys we have officially seen porn not just read it in books but we have seen IT!" and we all started laughing! cause we are such nerds that we don't look at porn or watch porn nooooooooo we read about it in books!

anyway so this lady comes up to us and is like "are you guys 18?" and we were like "no" and she was all "you need to leave!" so we left the store cracking up! Then Shanna had to go home, but she is coming over later and we are going to do our nails and our hair and eat greasy greasy pizza.

Brittany and i chilled at the mall for a while though......we bought tons more stuffs and then we went to Game Stop so i could transfer my monies to Bradley's account because i wont use it and its not like its a big deal or anything.

So here i sit waiting for my two bestest friends to come over!

oh and i am not going to go out with any boys. i am not going to date them or kiss them or have EYE CONTACT with them!

BECAUSE I AM A NUN!

happy?

I SLEPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for like 11 hours!

just one more thing down on the list!

I am slightly confused about something though. Why am i the only one having fun? I mean this was bradley's decision and hes writing about how he is missing a part of himself. i mean i feel that too but well i am having a really great time. I have amazing friends and i well i just want to move on. i grieved for a week before he broke up with me and now its over. if he doesn't want to be with me then he doesn't have to be. I just really wish he would be happy too.

well i am off to hang with friends then its off to the movies with Jesse...

concert and Spike!

Tonight was awesome! i hung out with Bee and she drove me to the concert. I chilled with Tony and Damian and this guy Spike (aka Jordan). All of whom are way cool...

The music wasn't all that great and after a while Spike and I went downstairs to talk and we ended up discussing philosophy, politics, religion, life, exchanging stories that kind of thing. Basically getting to know one another. Before the end of the night he kissed me. Which i have to admit was nice. I haven't gotten recognition from any other guys since i started dating Brad. He is a nice kid a year younger than me, a sophomore at Central and definitely friend and or dating material. He has some interesting thoughts about life and all. I just I don't know....... he is a nice guy, and we totally clicked but i really can't see myself spending a lot of time with him. I do however feel some sort of connection with him. We shall see.
I also saw a lot of people i haven't seen in a while. It feels really good to be able to do things i couldn't before. Like hug my guy friends and actually attend concerts. I'm in a fantastic mood. and i actually managed to get food down my throat. now all i need is like 14 gazillion hours of sleep to make up for the last 3 nights

I still have the rest of the weekend to report on! Tomorrow is my thing with Jesse and Jimmy's party which i am attending with Greg!

the there is the matter of Racine's party....do i want to go or do i want to avoid that scene? I mean i miss a lot of people and i kind of want to fall into old habits but maybe i don't. Maybe that is the wrong path. If you know what i am talking about don't be afraid to hand out the advice.

Until Tomorrow which i guess is technically today.....eh whatever! the point is Good Night!

A New Life For A New Girl!

I have decided that this doesn't matter.....
it isn't worth crying over
He doesn't want us to be together and I am moving on with my life!
I have a date, with a really good friend.
I am going to one of my favorite events - AKA A Concert!!!! YaY its been a while....
I am going to start wearing my contacts again.
I have a great job.
And I don't have to worry about what anyone thinks......
I have fantabulous friends
I made up with an old friend today aka Donna Bostelman (sp?)
Movie night is Sunday
and Girls day is monday!
Life is Great and I am going to make the most of the Situations set out before me.

Yay!

feelings

i know how i feel now!

1. im angry i am sooooo angry! he broke up with me who he promised to love forever. He swore he would always be there!

2. I feel like I'm being torn apart. i love him so much and he doesn't love me. He has deleted me from all his friends lists and i guess i asked him to not talk to me or contact me, but still he seemed so happy when i saw him. like i had never existed and he just went straight back to his life.

3. I loved him. I gave him everything. I changed myself for him, i resisted temptation, i made plans with him i had dreams. dreams and plans i thought he wanted to share. I guess i was wrong.

i have so much i want to tell him. i lost my best friend and love of my life all in one shot and i will be to arrogant to take him back if he changes his mind. I just don't think that i could do this again. This is the third time that he has destroyed me and i honestly don't think he cares. It really makes me wonder if these last three months meant anything. Did he even love me in the first place or was it all a scam to get me to sleep with him. which i did willingly because i thought he loved me. The one mistake that all girls make. I'm just sorry that i gave him everything i had. and now im drained. I gave him my whole heart, my soul even my body and all he had to say was i want to be single.
it hurts. i feel like he tore out my heart and stomped all over it. he did however keep the key to my heart. I wonder if he actually knows that or if he forgot that i entrusted that to him.


Brad if you read this i can't believe i trusted you.

Shattered

so bradley broke up with me today. i really don't know how im feeling right now so theres the headline.

forget

i had a pretty eh for lack of better words sucky day! I spent all day hating the girls who were carrying around flowers and teddy bears. I felt sick to my stomach and the only contact i had with brad was at dinner. I don't know a thought popped into my head last night and it wont go away i want it to. I absolutely hate the thought but i don't know, maybe it would be better. i really just wish i could rewind time or forget the last three days...if not that at least the thought.

V-Day

I hate Valentines day...

i didn't a few days ago but well it came and i remembered all the reasons why i absolutely cannot stand it!

1. its just a commercialized holiday designed so that every smock in the world can buy their wives or girlfriends gifts to make them happy....does it really mean he loves you NO!

2. Hallmark decided they had a dry spell between Christmas and Easter so they made up some story to sell cards and candy!

3. The people who don't have boyfriends or husbands feel like crap because they don't get anything!

Anyway thats my rant for today!

Adioso!

Rant!

UGGGGHHHH! so he's no longer mad he just doesn't want to talk to me! God I wish he had told me that earlier, then maybe i wouldn't have spent the whole fucking day wondering what the hell whats going on! Maybe i could have had fun instead of crying over him! All day all i did was wonder if he was going to break up with me...wondering if i should call or text or IM, but no i didn't want to make it any worse...AHHHHHh and i couldn't concentrate, i have like 50 problems in Trig and i have absolutely no idea how i'm even supposed to start them! I couldn't even watch Heroes, or be happy about my job! No i was too worried about whether or not i screwed up too bad this time! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
i feel so angry and so sad at the same time. I want to cry and at the same time i want to go over to his house throw my promise ring at him and tell him we're over! but i don't really want us to be over i'm just ah i don't even know!

Do you see bradley do you see what you did to me! are you happy with the way you made me feel the way I am going crazy! Next time just call and leave a fucking message on my stupid phone "lauren i'm not mad anymore everything is fine i really just don't feel like talking right now" Thats all you had to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Eh now im done ranting well until i see brittany and shanna tomorrow. i still want to cry though...

crying. . . it hurts

He still isn't talking to me, and i really don't know why. He's mad at me because everything came out of nowhere but i explained that to him. i'm really afraid...and i think its because A)its early and B)him not talking to me is making my imagination go crazy. I get that scene from Legally Blonde, the one where Warner breaks up with Elle instead of proposing. I hear and see it all play out in my head. Then i start to think well what if breaking up with me is on Bradley's mind. Maybe i pushed it this time, maybe i said just the right thing and he doesn't want me any more. I really don't know what to do or how to fix this, and it hurts. My heart aches and I can't make it go away. I just wish it wasn't so painful to be without him. Because if he does break up with me i don't know what i will do. My heart and soul will shatter and I'm pretty sure that can't be fixed or mended.

Everyone says that he loves me and i won't lose him. Robert said to give it 24 hours and if he doesn't talk to me by then to freak out. Rhino said a week but i don't know if i can handle a week. I guess we'll see. I just wish i could see the future so i would know what to expect. I am trying to have faith that we are supposed to be together. I know he loves me and i know i love him with all my heart, but maybe love isn't enough . . . i hope that i'm just overreacting and that everything thing will be okay i want us to be okay i just don't know how to get there.

sick!

i hate fighting with bradley. i feel sick to my stomach and i feel all achy like i can't do anything or i might throw up. heroes is getting ready to start and there is no way im watching it until brad and i are okay. I miss him, i just want to cry all the time. the last 12 hours have been like hell and i don't know how to fix it. God why do i have to be such a bitch! why can't i just leave things alone why can't i just be happy with the way things are? if anyone has an answer please TELL ME!!!!!!!!! i just want things to be okay. i will just have to suffer for a while.

Yay and Eww!

Two Major things happened today!

the first is good so ill tell that first! I got a JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall be working at JC Penny in the shoe department! I am very very excited!!!!!


the second sucks and is far more important than my recent employment.

Bradley and i are fighting...
this morning i talked to him and i was all excited about Valentines Day... normally im not that excited in fact i usually hate the holiday. However, this year i have brad and i was truly looking forward to spending a romantic night with him. Unfortunately Brad doesn't feel the same enthusiasm as i do. the only reason (that i derived from our conversation this morning) he was even going to celebrate with me is because he felt the need to make me happy. which he doesn't have to do normally. just being around him makes me happy. His reason almost hurt, because he wasn't doing this because he wanted to but because he felt he had to, to make me happy. I want him to want to be mushy and cute, i want him to be excited for something romantic. Maybe i am overreacting but i just i don't know. I want to feel like he's going to be happy doing something like celebrating Valentines day. If he doesn't want to do something he shouldn't have to and if he doesn't want to do it he won't be happy about doing it. I just want him to be happy, to feel like he isn't required to do something.

This fight is my fault:
A) i shouldn't have brought Valentines Day up
B) i shouldn't have requested we celebrate it
C) i should just let things go, but i hate when we fight it makes me feel sick
D) i shouldn't want so much!

i should apologize and i will i just need brad to understand first but i don't think he does. so well that was my day... Yay for the new job. Ew for my relationship issues.

the quest for monies!

I am currently searching for a job! mainly so i can have money when i go to Europe this summer but also so i don't have to keep asking my parents for cash! AHHHHHHH! so right now i'm on the grueling search for a decent job that will hire a sixteen year old girl with no previous work experience! (good luck right)...

miscelaneous days and facts

so school this week was eh.........

but bradley did drive me on Friday and that was nice but it made for kind of a long day. i was up at 6 and didn't go to sleep until 12:30 but whatever.

today was fun!

bradley and i got lunch together and watched like 3 hours of Futurama, chilled at Barnes and Noble and went back to his house. He gamed for like 2 hours while i was drawing. when i finish the sketch ill post it.

it was a lazy good day

im disappointed about tomorrow though. I was supposed to attend Colorado Close Up which is a political program designed to help students understand the political system and how each individual town plays a part in the big picture. Unfortunately i have a People to People student Ambassador meeting i have to attend otherwise i can't go to Europe! so thats what im doing instead of spending the next three days discussing politics with State Senators and Representatives but no worries there is always next year!

school

I hate school! it starts soooo fucking early! why do the teachers and administration want us to suffer so badly? oh well i guess i should leave otherwise im going to be late...

throwing a fit!

Tonight was okay.....

i got a new purse and jacket which was cool, but i can't concentrate on my Trig. My parents had brad and i pick up my sister's boyfriend and we went to dinner which was okay, loud but okay. I don't know i just feel weird. i asked my rents if brad could stay for an episode of Futurama and of course they said no. And i really don't know why but it made me feel really angry so i started complaining about how they suck and blah blah blah. And instead of just letting me feel like crap or telling me that it was okay and what not brad basically called me a baby and started telling me that i shouldn't throw a fit just cause he couldn't stay and hes right as per usual but still i wanted to make a big deal about it. Right now i don't even want to talk to him but i know if i don't i'll feel even worse. AHHHHHHH! maybe i'm PMS-ing. i just feel like he was attacking me for no reason. But you know he'll say he's right and that i shouldn't be mad. whatever i'm just going to go to bed and hopefully tonight i will actually get some sleep. (yeah right)

Heroes

okay so here's something for the about me section you can add to your lists!

I love Heroes......the tv show that is!

it was on tonight and i am going bonkers already anxious for the next one!

anyway if you haven't seen it you should so we can talk about it!

oh and my amazing boyfriend he soooo knew what was going to happen cause he's a genius! (*Kisses Bradley on the LIPS*)

today

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE FUTURAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! its amazing! i wish i could own all 4 seasons (*sticks tongue out at Bradley*)

i saw the Messengers today it was okay a lot like the Grudge but okay.

I forgot to tell you guys that i got a dress for cottonball! its amazing! ill post a picture for you soon!

anyway today was a pretty relaxing normal FANTABULOUS day!

hearts to all!

FREEDOM!!!!

Last night was my first night of freedom....you see i was grounded for ditching class and having in school suspension. Yeah i know I'm such a bad kid! (she said sarcastically) Anyway I got to see the love of my life yesterday for the first time in a while (*cough two days cough*)

It was fun we were hanging out at the malls and what not, then we watched some Futurama, then hooked up with some friends at Taco Bell (lame i know). we chilled there telling stories for a while (all we needed was a fire and smores!) then we went to GJ Scores - bowling ally - and did the exact same thing only in a dark room with couches instead of well Taco Bell. Bradley Robert and I left after like 2 hours and went to Wal-Mart YAY! we bought tons of candy. we then made our way to my house! (11:30 is when we got there)

At my place i got really tired and Bradley (my love) tucked me in! It was so sweet! I love Him!

12:05 is the time when my phone rings and my mom who is in the next room asks where I am! she hadn't heard me come in so she thought i was late! it was pretty much hilarious and i shall never let her live it down!

so that was my first night of freedom!

Yay!

I am bored and decided I wanted to make a blog of my own!

YAY!

so from here on out here is my Blog!

enjoy and have A Great Day!