My Choice

so what is new:

i leave for college in 3 weeks

sean leaves in 2 weeks

i dont see my mother anymore - except on family occasions like tonight - my grandfathers birthday

sean has been spending a lot of his time away from me lately and i kind of wonder whats going on.

breaking dawn - the final book in the twilight saga comes out in like 3 days

i realized today that i have to start packing to move....

rabbit and i are no longer friends - not even speaking

im trying to get everything done before i leave - all the medical stuff that needs to be done - dentist eye doctor obgyn that stuff

i dont know that im as ready to leave home as i used to think - im comfortable here - i know how to be happy here i know how to exist here.
i dont want to be away from sean really - it makes me nervous and sad...im not going to be able to see him as much as i do now and that scares me. he is my life right now and i dont know what ill do without him.

i dont think im as confident as i used to be - i dont remember how to talk to new people how to make new friends - sean has been my only real consistent friend for a while now.

i will get my job back at thanksgiving and christmas

im going to miss this place i think. my home my family. junction in general.

im tired of fighting - with my mom, with my dad, with my sister, with sean, i just want everyone to be happy. maybe ill get that when i leave - everyone happy

i have a lot of people to talk to and make amends with before i leave

starting a new life is hard - its not going to be easy. i wish i could fix everything. i wish i was still receiving a free education and still having a fabulous senior year - instead i get to move 5 hours away 2 hours from the one person who has mattered over the last couple months and try to make it on my own at an expensive school. with teachers i dont know and nobody i really know to be with me. its not like going from elementary school to middle school or from middle to high school. this is worse. i wont know anyone and even if people show up that i do know they are a few next to 20,000 people. i wish i had valued my life here more. i wish i had made the necessary changes and had dealt with the things i hadnt. because now im going to be alone. and i dont know how well i can handle that. i have never been really alone before. not like i will be. and yeah people will visit and ill see sean but this is something completely new to me. something that may change me - who i am and how i deal with the issues around me.

im not ready for this change not this one. im not ready to be alone. im not ready. but i guess ill have to be.

i made this choice now im going to deal with it.